Overview

This article describes a common relationship pattern where men have closed down their “ability to feel’ due to their early experience of their mothers and fathers. The origin of this pattern is the man as a boy filling his father’s role in an attempt meet his mother’s needs at the cost of his own. Emotionally he was asked for more than he could give. This impacts his ability to connect to his feelings in later life which is a condition affecting many men today.

Background

A boy learns about relationship with women primarily through his relationship with his mother and through observing his parent’s relationship. If there was conflict or emotional distance in his parents relationship his emotional bond with his father may have  suffered. The boy may have emotionally bonded with his mother in a way that shut down his feeling capacity, which now continues to affect his masculine identity and sense of separate self.

If the mother was emotionally unsupported by the father she may  have unwittingly used her son to get her emotional needs met as a substitute for her partner. The disappointment she felt in the father back then was felt by the son . In response the son aspired to be her perfect “little man” that would not let her down like his father did. The son’s heart is open at an early age and it’s natural for him to want to be the apple of his mother’s eye and fill her up with his love. He learned how to please his mother at the cost of his own needs being ignored.

He suffered from not being emotionally close to his father and yet part of him enjoyed his special relationship with his mother in his absence. It comes at a cost. The boy was unaware that he had been setup for an impossible job that he inevitably  failled at. It was too much for a little boy to fulfill the emotional needs of his mother. She needed an adult man. The boy was in an emotional bind. He couldn’t be himself and be what (he imagined) his mother  wanted him to be. He unconsciously chose at a young age to fit in with her needs at the cost of his own.

The father was remiss in not providing a healthy parental relationship alongside the mother to allow the son to develop a healthy male identity. The boy cut off from his male power to fit in. A distant or closed hearted father, an emotionally needy mother combined with the cultural images of masculinity encouraged the boy as he grew up to close his heart and disconnect from his feelings.

Relationship Attitudes from “Rape of the Heart”

In later life the boy as a grown man may develop the following kind of attitudes:

• He doesn’t feel he is enough. Deep down he feels he wasn’t enough for his mother, so as an adult man he doesn’t feel he is enough for his partner. He is sensitive to criticism as it challenges his male identity . He feels he needs to be perfect and it’s hard for him to admit when he makes a mistake in his relationship.
• He is fearful of women getting upset. He can’t bear it when his partner is upset, partly because he feels he is responsible for his partner’s happiness. As a boy he felt he was the cause of his mother’s unhappiness. As a child he believed he was responsible and in control of his mother’s feelings through pleasing her.
  
• He pleases women to avoid conflict. The man  learnt to please women at the cost of his own needs. Women pick up straightaway when a man is pleasing them to avoid conflict. It feels inauthentic. The woman feels shut out from the man as his true feelings are hidden. She can’t feel his authentic male energy which frustrates her. She feels rejected and abandoned as she hears from him the message ,’You are too much’ .This is often how she felt as a child.
  
• He feels overwhelmed by her needs. He feels burdened by having to meet his partner’s needs. He is unable to express his own needs as he unconsciously learnt not to listen to his needs in order to meet his mother’s needs. Outwardly, it may seem like he has very few needs as he has repressed them.
• He resents his partner's needs. The man has an unconscious rage and resentment towards meeting his mother’s needs and he sees all women as his mother on some level.. He believes he is working hard in the relationship to do the right thing, yet he finds no matter what he does, he slips up. He forgets to tell his partner important things, or finds a way to rubbish his partner or the relationship in someway. If he is asked why he ignored her he probably isn’t in touch with his resentment.
• He feels guilty. The man feels ambivalent about the relationship because of the unresolved feelings he had about loving his mother and feeling she wanted too much from him. He experiences his current relationship with the unresolved feelings he had as a child. It was too much for him. The man finds it difficult to hold both his “love” and “hate” towards his partner. He has repressed the hate which also represses his loving feelings. He may feel unworthy of his partner’s love and want to leave her in order to protect her from his dark feelings. His life Energy is blocked. He represses his feelings and energy or he directs all his energy into work. Men push their feelings down yet keep going in a particular kind of hidden depression..

The Healing Process for ‘Rape of the Heart’

I would like to give some indications of how a couple can work with this dynamic in relationship counselling . The first thing to say is that we take the perspective of looking at issues as belonging to the relationship dynamic rather than the individual. So we look at  both the man and the woman’s attitudes , behaviours and relationship patterns to discover how they fit together. We look at why a woman has been unconsciously attracted to a man with a closed heart and what she needs to heal from her past family experience . We ask what is being attempted to be worked out by both partners in the relationship? We find that working with the relationship dynamic with both partners together is much more effective than individual counselling alone.

The purpose of this article is to focus on the man’s relationship dynamic. Here are some of the challenges facing a man to work through “Rape of heart” issues.

He Recognises The Current Behaviour Patterns Were Learnt In The Past

Attraction between partners in part comes from an unconscious fit of “unfinished business’ from each person’s early family. It’s sobering to realise that both partners have re-created their early family situation in the current relationship. Realising this can give him a major shift in perspective as he sees that relationships are an unconscious union that is providing  him now with the opportunity to work things through in order to become emotionally whole.

Rather than blaming his partner for not being ,’his perfect parent’, he begins to see how he experiences what is going on now, through the eyes and feelings from the past. The recognition of the connection between how he experiences his relationship now and how he felt in his early family makes the unconscious conscious. This stops him being controlled by the past.

For many men it can be difficult to even conceive that there is a connection between his partner and his mother. It can just seem like "psychobabble". There can be an investment in protecting the image he has of his parents. He needs to balance that his parents did the best they could and their lack of relationship had an impact on him. It's  worth looking at how thee early  past pattern  affects how he relates with his partner now.

He Manages His Fear

He learns how to manage his fear of being emotionally overwhelmed. He discovers his partner is much more emotionally robust that he imagines. As an adult he doesn’t need to placate her for his survival . He may wish to contribute to her happiness yet he realises that when she is upset it doesn’t mean that he has failed or that he needs to be over responsible. He is not responsible for her happiness.

He Receives His Partner’s Emotional Flow

He learns listen to her emotional flow without taking what she says too personally. He is able to discern what he needs to take responsibility for and what belongs to her past. He discovers how to hear what she is saying on a feeling level rather than get caught in rationality disconnected from feeling.

He Makes Adjustments To His Attitudes And Behaviour

He realises that his partner isn’t really wanting to criticise  or undermine him. What she is seeking is for her feelings to be received . She feels what needs attention in the relationship and needs him to make an adjustment/ - walk his talk rather than saying "sorry" and repeating the pattern.

He Strengthens His Male Identity

He learns that his partner can’t make or break him or take away his masculinity. From this realisation he can be present and receive her when she is upset. He doesn’t need defend his male identity as it’s not under threat. He gets the support of other men to strengthen his male identity and reconnect to his masculinity.

He Reconnects To His Feelings

He discovers how to express his feelings and needs. He notices when he disconnects from his partner and learns how to manage his emotions intelligently so he can take a time-out without abandoning his partner.

He Integrates His Dark Side

What is emotionally repressed controls him. He includes his male wildness/ dark side constructively in ways that brings life energy and passion into the relationship. He expresses more range of feeling so there is room for love and for hate.He learns how to manage his vulnerability. He reconnects to feelings and opens his heart. In effect he chooses to be in relationship and comes from his core in his actions rather than acting in reaction to his mother.

Conclusion

It takes time and work to work on deep patterns. It’s a process rather than a quick fix. Relationship counselling provides a safe place to gain insights and explore what is going on in the relationship. It’s a powerful process of recognising patterns learnt from the past, detoxifying resentments and gaining a new perspective on what the relationship is about. The felt experience of attending sessions and working things through in the sessions and between sessions leads to the couple feeling more connected to each other and better able to work things through together.

By Richard Cole

I would like to acknowledge Nick Duffell and Helena Løvendal Sørensen at Creative Couplework  who taught me  the ideas expressed in this article.