It’s inevitable that at times you are going to mess up and get things wrong for your woman. Here are some pointers that I've found help from my couples counselling experience.

When you have done something wrong and your partner is upset the first step is to forgive yourself. Avoid if you can going into shame and self-hate.  This is what lies beneath the surface for most men who react with anger and defensiveness.

There's a dignity to be found in accepting yourself regardless of what you have done by taking responsibility and be willing to remain present your partner's pain. You are as fallible as the next man. You are not alone in messing up. You can be present to your partner, comfort her, regret what you have done, make amends and take responsibility. You can learn from it without needing to criticise yourself to the point of self-hatred.

Are you feeling over-responsible?  It helps to remember that some of your partner's pain is due to your actions, and some of it is likely to come  from earlier experiences which are nothing to do you. The hurts from the past might be get stacked together onto the current event. There's no point arguing the details. Your partner is well versed in being emotional, you don't need to worry about her being upset. You do need to be present and there for her and take responsibility for what you did so she can process her hurt feelings.
There is no mental technique to make your partner's upset go away. What is required is just to do your best to be there and be sincere. If at anytime that you feel overwhelmed, or angry tell her you need a 'time-out' for 10 minutes. It's essential that you make it clear that you really want to hear her out.and that you will be back in 10 minutes. ;If you are feeling scared or uncomfortable, soothe yourself by remembering she's not your mother and she can't, 'make you or break you'</strong> - only your self-judgment can.

Listen to her emotional flow. She has a different communication style so don't expect her to speak like man. Sift for the gold by translating inwardly any digs or criticism into what she is saying she is needing now.E.g. Translate ' You never listen', into 'I really want to be listened to right now'.It helps you both stay connected if you hold her hand or keep some kind of physical contact</strong>. Be attentive. Every time you break contact it, feels like abandonment to her. Listen to the hurt she wants to express.

The content isn't necessarily the message. Tune into what she is saying on a feeling level. Could it be that she feeling abandoned because you have been emotionally pulling away?. Remember to keep your breathing flowing so you keep feeling, in response to what she is feeling. Holding your breath generates anxiety.

Don't let any arrows of 'you never do this..or do that !' stick in. - It might be her hurt speaking that is too tender to be directly expressed. If she is being unkind just let her know by saying, 'Ouch!' which might be all you need to say. There are limits, and sometimes you need to tell her what the limit is. You can remain in your power and not accept  attempts to punish you. Focus on what she is feeling and needing now. If it's not clear, ask her.

There's room for two realities - 'yours' and 'hers'. Right now, focus on 'hers'. You can show you are hearing what she is saying by reflecting it back to her without disagreeing or adding your interpretation. it's a timing thing; first you need to listen and  tune into what she is feeling. At this point there is no need to defend, no need to be right, no need to correct the details of truth. Let her get her emotional flow out first. The time to disagree is later.
Show her you are listening;..'I really want to check if I'm getting this...[repeat back the key themes]'
If she is overcome with emotion give her time to express it...make physical contact..slow things down.

She doesn't need perfection from you. She just wants you to hear her hurt. She wants you to take responsibility, to feel with her rather than rationalise. She wants to hear you say that you, 'messed up',so she knows you get it! without justification, without defending, without collapsing.
It's not...'I'm sorry..let me tell you all about me and how bad I feel' ( she wants you to hear her feelings not tell her about you feeling bad ).Keep the focus on her. She needs you to be  sincere and to be saying in your own words,'I regret so much that I've hurt you'. 'I've hurt you..I messed up'. 'I've let you down.'

At this point if you need to, discuss any misunderstandings. Remember; that your focus is to hear each other's feelings and needs to clear up the held in feelings, not to score points or be 'right'.

She wants reassurance that you will take some kind of action or make an adjustment  to avoid repeating what you have done. You don't need to make promises or prove anything to her. It's not about convincing her. When you , 'understand that you need to make an adjustment in how you are treating her' on a feeling level ,she feels the change in your straight-away as what you say is heart-felt. She wants reassurance that she is special to you, that you love and care for her.

If you get this more or less right, the upset goes and it's done with. If she keeps bringing it up, it could be because you are not  heart-felt in acknowledging the  'feeling message' in what she is saying or that you have not taken the action you agreed to make or not made an adjustment in how you are treating her.

Recap

1. First, forgive yourself for messing up.
2. Listen to your partner's emotional flow.
3. Check out with her that you have got the' feeling message'.
4. Take responsibility for what she is right about first. 'you are right, I've messed up, I let you down'. Express regret. Don't argue the details. Focus on the clear up.
5. Set limits if necessary. Don't accept punishment.
6. Discuss disagreements if you need to.
7. Reassure her.
8. Walk your Talk: Make adjustment to your behaviour to remedy the situation.

Most men find staying present when they have 'messed up' somewhere between: hard to impossible. It's not easy! You and your partner trigger bonding patterns in each other that  pushes each other's buttons like no-one else can. It takes two.

If you are stuck in repetitive arguments come to see me for some couples counselling with your partner. I can help you to, "get it more right for your woman", so "she get's off your case" leaving you feeling more in control, and  better about yourself .

In this article:

• See how a typical couple in couples counselling discover how to speak differently to each other by seeing the script at the start and the script from a later session.
• Recognise the common themes that occur in arguments and see how emotionally focused therapy helps couples to speak more authentically to each other and work through difficulties.

Made up yet typical Extract at the beginning of relationship counselling:

Man: "You say I just want sex, but that is not true. I just feel like giving up when you say that , like we are doomed. How can it ever work?"

Woman: " I don't really know. But if you would just calm down and be less demanding. I just move away to stop the fights. I think it is better if we don't get caught in these arguments....it is easier that way"

Man: "How can things be 'easy' when we never make love, when you are never close to me ? Tell me that. It's like everything else comes first with you, but my feelings..they never count. You just focus on the event, like all I want is an orgasm. But that is not all I want. I want to feel close to you - desired- like I am important you. But first comes the kids, then the house, then your job, and then maybe if there is time left - maybe us."

Woman:"I just get that whatever I do I will never be good enough for you, I am a bid disappointment..so I just give up. I Just shut down. It doesn't feel safe anymore. I am not sexy enough for you, not warm enough - not enough"

Extract from a later relationship counselling to illustrate how the couple are able to speak more clearly about their feelings and needs.

Woman: " I am starting to feel safer here. Like I am not on trial all the time. I just give up when I feel that, I just shut down and go numb. I am starting to get that we both get scared and insecure and then we don't know how to reassure each other." I want this relationship and you are important to me - very important. I feel lonely too, you know. I just want to feel held sometimes, and talked to, paid attention to- not always asked to make love. Then I just feel I am a route to orgasm, not that you want me." ( she cries) "when we were first together you made me feel like I was so special - so precious. I miss that-I do. But know you seem so mad at me all the time"

Man:"I know. I get desperate - I feel like I am losing you - so I guess I come on all furious and pushy. But really it's just because I am so unsure of us-of you. And it's pretty risky to tell you this - I guess it's easier to demand to make love."

I'm sure some of this extract will resonate with couples. It shows how couples misunderstand each other and blame each other. The man and the woman both have their own realities on what is going on, both are which are valid. They both long to have a feeling of love and secure emotional connection.

The first extract shows the themes of abandonment, rejection and the lack of safety that comes from feeling that your partner doesn't prioritise you. The 2nd extract shows the risks involved in reaching out. The fear of asking for what you need. The fear of expressing vulnerability and building an emotional bond by sharing how important your partner is to you.

Emotionally focused therapy in couples counselling helps the man and the woman identify the patterns of blame and where the misunderstandings are. They begin to appreciate their own and their partner's vulnerability and be able to speak a deeper truth of what they are feeling and needing. Emotionally Focused Therapy in couples counselling shows couples that love comes from feeling that your partner is emotionally available to you, that want is important can be shared and received and that you are special and important to them. It teaches you how to communicate what's important.

The reason men cheat isn't because they want sex. Men cheat because they miss the feeling of being admired and feeling a woman positively responding to them. Usually with their partner they feel criticised and undermined. Men need to feel they can make their partner happy and to feel admired and trusted. Men are motivated by knowing 'they can get things right' for their partner.

A lot of arguments are not really about the surface things, rather they are about a woman feeling the loss of an emotional connection and bond with their man. Not enough connection feels like abandonment. In an attempt to regain a connection women complain, and tell their men what they "are not doing right". Unfortunately men don't know that the complaining and criticism is actually a desire for connection. Men begin to believe that they, 'can't get it right for her' and lose self-esteem. Once the pattern starts of a man distancing and a woman complaining the man can become discouraged. When he tries to 'do the right thing', he soon gives up when the appreciation he longs for doesn't come instantly. He needs to perservere and appreciate his partner more in order to break the cycle.If he continues to distance it makes the lack of connection worse and his partner feeling more abandoned.

At these times some men are vulnerable to cheating on their partners to get a sense of self esteem and affection they long for. They attempt to re-experience what it is like to have a woman's positive attention. It's not really about sex at all. It's about the need to be admired.

Women cheat much less than men. They cheat as a last resort when they feel taken for granted by their partner. Women wish to feel appreciated, desired and special to their partner. Some women are more vulnerable to cheating if they have a friend who cheats as makes it seem more acceptable. The key factor for a woman deciding to cheat is that their partner has ignored their attempts to emotionally re-connect. Women cheat because their partner doesn't listen to them.

On the unconscious level an affair is an attempt at problem solving. It's curious how cheating partner's unconsciously let their partners' know they are cheating as if they want the main issue to come out into the open.

Cheating interrupts the emotional bond between a couple. The break in trust hurts, shocks and shakes the betrayed partner. A break of trust can be worked through in relationship counselling resulting in a stronger partnership. It's a tough process and it takes time to work through the root issues to a develop a more realistic informed trust. Informed trust replaces blind trust

What can you do now to strengthen your relationship and reduce the possibility of cheating?

There are steps you can take:

Schedule in time in your calendars each week to have special time together/go on a date/do something that nourishes your relationship.

Take an interest in the emotional life of your partner, ask them what they would like more of/less of in the relationship. Take an interest in what is important them.

Learn how to express your feelings and needs in a way that your partner can give to you rather than feel they need to defend against being attacked.

.Get in touch with your needs by taking time to notice the felt sensations in your body. By tuning into ourselves we can discover what we need. We all have needs, yet society conditions us not to listen to our needs. Women are conditioned to think of others, not themselves, Men are conditioned to be in control and be strong. If we are not in touch of our needs and are unable to express them, we tend to unconsciously act them out

1. Notice any tightness in your stomach and chest. Just keep your attention on the area and wait expectantly to see what feelings arise.
2. Put what you are feeling/needing into words.
3. Shape those words into a doable request. E.g. You notice some tightness under your rib cage..it's fear that your partner is meeting some friends tonight and you are wanting to feel emotionally closer to them. You realise you are some needing reassurance and closeness. You risk saying how you are feeling and make a request to your partner..I want to feel closer to you, I value spending time with you yet I feeling scared that you don't want to spend time with me. I'd really like it if we could do something together on Thursday ? and I could really do with a hug right now.

The surprising thing is that when we risk coming from our heart with what we want without attacking our partner, they feel connected to us and usually respond lovingly.

It's basic and powerful. Women, men want to be admired ( they want to know they can "get it right for you" and be appreciated for it). So if you are woman, ask your partner to help you with something that will make him feel good as a man and appreciate him
for it.

Men,women want to feel special. So tune in to what makes your partner feel special: Does she respond to loving words,
appreciations,gifts, you doing something for her, spending time together, surprise night out, physical touch? Women need to be told over and over that they are special. It's hard for men to understand how important it is for women.

Do You Have Trouble Expressing How You Feel?

Why not take steps to address it and get support. It's so much easier to work things through before drifting apart or resorting to "cheating" to bring what isn't being spoken about into the open

Copyright Richard Cole (2011)

Talk About It

• Being honest and real with each other is a scary thing, yet it's the way to go.
• It's important to keep a "clean heart" towards each other so if something is bothering you, that makes you feel distant from your partner.Don't keep it to yourself - share it.
• If you are fearful of having arguments or upsetting each other it's well worth getting some support to understand your fears. It's important that you can be true to yourself and express what you feel. If you learn how to listen and negotiate with each other, differences get worked through and don't lead to arguments.

Prioritise Having A Relationship Instead of Arguing About Who Is Right

• Focus on what you want, rather than arguing over the details of who said what, when, and who is right. Often you both are !
• It doesn't matter that you see the world differently along as you can agree a way forward that meets both your needs.
• Be curious about what is important to your partner.  Respect the things that they say are important,  are important to them.
• Remember when you are arguing that deep down your partner wants to connect with you.

There's Room For "Male Logic" and "Female Feeling"

• Men tend to focus on the content of what is said and argue the details using, " male logic";whereas women tend to focus on the feelings underneath - "Female Feeling". In an argument it can be as if a man and woman are on two different radio channels, wishing the other to tune into their channel.
• Here's a story that helps explain the differences:
  
  In ancient times  men would need to go out and hunt. They needed to  focus on one thing - the hunt and be direct with each other to work together to survive. Women would be busy child-rearing and keeping the social network together. Survival for the women was about keeping the social harmony . Directness was avoided as it was too confrontational and left them feeling vulnerable of being excluded from the group. They learnt the art of subtle communication where it was only necessary to hint at what was needed and the other women would pick things up without their being any confrontation. What was important was how each person felt and keeping the harmony and connection in the group. In modern times there is still the conditioning of men being validated for their logic and women being validated for their ability to tune in and connect with feeling.
• Men and women both  benefit from honouring and appreciating the differences between the genders and realise that we have different life journeys and social conditioning. For many, it's a massive shift to stop expecting a partner to communicate in the same way they do. Men expect women to be logical and women expect men to pick up indirect signals.
• Men can learn to listen to the feeling and respond with feeling on the "feeling channel" and women can learn to speak directly and with fewer words to men on the "logic channel".

In Arguments First Seek To Understand

• In an argument both people want to be understood by each other. It's hard to remember this you are in the heat of an argument.
• Tips for men:  It's hard to stand back a bit and first seek to understand what your partner is trying to say it terms of what they are feeling and needing. Learn to listen to the message underneath the content.
• Show you are listening and understanding by respectfully interrupting your partner by saying,'Let me see if I'm getting this..' then; repeat back what you have heard ( without adding any judgments or justifications ). You don't need to agree with what your partner said or question it - first show you are hearing what is said. Check with your partner if they have more to add. Let them finish before responding. You don't need to repeat back everything, just the key bits. Yes,it can be difficult to do this!
• Often the message sent isn't the message received. Your partner may feel you are criticising them when that isn't your intention. Sometimes it's worth asking them to say back to you what they heard you say. This does need to be sensitively done so your partner understands that your intention is to check that there isn't any miscommunication rather than your intention is to control or patronise them
• Tips for men-  women rarely want you to offer solutions to what they are telling you about, unless they specifically ask. They are wanting you to hear them out.and offer reassurance that  you believe they will sort it out.

Schedule Quality Time Together

• Schedule time together in your diaries so there is time to nourish your emotional bond and have fun together.
• Make sure that you have uninterrupted time for love making. Allow plenty of time to connect and relax together before lovemaking so you are ready to make love in a connected way rather than use lovemaking as a way of discharging tension. Keep the focus on staying connected to each other, by slowing things down and sharing how you are feeling .
• Quality time is about setting an intention to be fully open and available to each other and not to feel there is a pressure to  make love.

• Appreciate your partner the moment that you  feel it. Develop the habit of noticing good feelings and expressing them.
• The ratio of appreciation to bringing up issues should be 5 to 1. Appreciate your partner 5 times more often than bringing up issues.
• The art to making an appreciation is to be specific - say what your  partner did ,what  you feel about it, and why it is important to you. eg." Last night when you listened to me telling you all about my work day...I felt so cared for and that you were really there for me. That's important to me because it makes me feel special and close to you."
• Giving and receiving appreciations is a habit that takes practice and perseverance before it feels natural.
• To receive an appreciation if you don't know what else to say just say ,'thank-you' and let it in.

Say What You Need

• Good communication comes from a willingness to share who you are and that means risking being vulnerable and saying what you need.
• Tips for Women -  Men easily feel overwhelmed with hearing lots of words and tend to want to focus on one thing at once. Say what you are wanting specifically. Remember that men want to feel appreciated and trusted to deliver so if you show you have faith in your partner and are trusting him to sort something out , and will appreciate him for doing so, he's going to be more responsive.

Here are the steps

1. Make your request as calmly as possible
2. Get agreement that he is willing to do it
3. Back off, so he is left with it. You are trusting him with it so you must maintain that trust for a period of time
4. If you need to follow it up, repeat the process and agree a specific time.
5. If you need to follow up again, say how in small and in big things him keeping his word is important for you in order to trust him.

See the Part you Play in any Issue

• Relationship issues take two. A relationship is a system where the behaviour of one effects the feelings of the other and vice versa. If one of you is feeling insecure that could be because both of you are not talking enough for there to be a secure feeling  of connection.
• Avoid Saying Each Other is "The Problem"

Stay Connected

• Many arguments stem from there being lack of connection between you. If you focus on reconnecting rather than "the content" of the argument it helps.
• Make physical contact by touching on the arm/shoulder or hand to hand with your partner as this maintains a feeling of care and connection.
• Tips for Men - It's easy to feel overwhelmed with the speed of women talking so it's essential to jump in, touch her on the hand or arm and interrupt her respectfully and say ,'let me see if I'm getting this'. This helps you both slow down and keep connected.
• If you are feeling overwhelmed in an argument tell your partner that you need a time out for 20 mins and check that is Ok. The key thing is to stress that you want to sort this out and you will be back after the agreed time. You need to keep your word about reengaging for this to work.
• Pay attention to greeting and leaving rituals so you and your partner feel nourished when you come together and part.Take time to focus on saying goodbye and hello! It's the intention to maintain connection that counts.

Give Your Partner What They Need

• Women need to feel "special" and men need to feel "appreciated".
• If you act towards your partner being sensitive to the basic needs you get the joy of giving your partner what they need.

How Does Your Partner Know They Are Loved?

Are you giving your partner what works for you rather than what works for them?

Notice what makes your partner feel loved. What do  they respond most to : Appreciative words /gifts/flowers/love notes/loving actions/touch/spending time with them/Doing a service for them?

Ask your partner , find out what makes them feel loved

If You are Stuck and Can't Communicate

• You might find that you get emotionally triggered despite your best efforts to change how you communicate. This is because of the bonding patterns we learnt from a young age where we decided how safe it is to connect to others. It's uncanny how couple's have bonding patterns that trigger off each other. Bonding patterns are made up from:
  1. What you learnt about what it is to be a man or a woman
  2. What you learnt about relationships
  3. Your experience of love and conflict in your family
  4. What you learnt about power and vulnerability

• If you are getting stuck in the same arguments, consider relationship counselling as a way of giving yourself and your partner the support you need to communicate better and feel emotionally closer. You don't need to figure it all out by yourself.

Copyright Richard Cole (2011)

Couples Counselling Themes

In this article I share my experience working as a couples counsellor with couples where there has been a break of trust. I describe some common themes and how couple counselling can help.

Here is what one partner discovers:

• I looked on his email and found he was involved in Internet dating
• I broke into her phone and found a message from her ex lover
• He told me that he met up with and kissed a girl from work
• He just told me that he has been having an affair
• I found out that he slept with someone else while we were engaged
• I discovered that he looks at Internet porn secretively and lied to me about it
• He lied about seeing a female “friend” and we argue about it all the time

The betrayed partners tend to be wondering:

• How could he do this to me?
• Why is this happening to me? What did I do/ not do?
• Why won’t he tell me the truth? Tell me all the details?
• I can’t stop thinking about him with her. I’m obsessing about it
• What else is going on ? ( my sense of safety is broken)
• How can I ever trust him/ her again?
• I feel so hurt and stupid for this happening?
• Should I leave now?

The Betraying partners tend to be wondering:

• How can we get through this?
• I want to save my marriage but she doesn't trust me
• It sounds stupid, but I don’t know why I saw this other woman /man
• Has it come to this? Do we need couples counselling?
• How long before this all goes away and we can back to how it was?
• I feel bad about what I did. I’ve said sorry, yet she keeps going on
• When will she get over it?
• She has lied to me. I don’t think I can get over that. It hurts my pride

Here is some of my responses to common themes"

Can Our Relationship Survive?

Affairs / Betrayals break the bond of trust in a relationship. The emotional crisis and shock that follow naturally press couple to seek support and answers. Couples counselling provides a framework to hold off making any big decisions so that there is time to work things through. It is not possible at the outset to know the impact of  betrayal on a relationship.  Many couples do work things through and some don’t. A betrayal does change a relationship. Paradoxically it can make a relationship stronger as you have been forced to really look at what is going on. Trust returns over time, yet instead of blind trust, it’s an informed trust that comes through honest communication.

Wanting to Know the Details

Wanting to know the details in order to understand is an attempt to deal with feelings of hurt. The belief is that if we know all the details then we will feel better. Upto a point it’s only natural to want to know the details. The thing to notice is when going over and over the details is a way of avoiding feeling. It is only through the process of feeling the feelings that peace is found. Relationship counselling can help you express what you are feeling and give you support to trust the process of feeling.

Sometimes I see couples where an affair occurred some time ago. They felt they dealt with it yet the betrayed partner still brings it up. She hurts about it and wants to know ‘Why?”. He is sick of feeling bad about it every time she brings it up. They may have come to see me about something else. The “unresolved” affair is at the root of the issue.
  Sometimes couples come when the affair has just been uncovered. They are in crisis and shock. The betrayed partner wants to know the details. The betraying partner tends to cover things up and the details come out drip by drip. It’s a problem. All discussions prior to coming to couples counselling are about the details. One feels unsafe, the other defensive.

Taking Responsibility and Making Amends

Many men are conditioned to avoid being wrong and consequently avoid conflict. This is  true for some women too. When the betraying  partners are faced with their wrongdoing and anger/hurt of their partner they feel shame and don’t know how to respond. As a result they can’t remember details, go numb, feel angry, distance, don’t want to talk it or become defensive. The rub is that they need to take responsibility for what they have done. The betraying partners need to find a place of dignity and acceptance of making a mistake. They need  stay open, be present to their partner so he/she can work through the feelings. When they can hear their partner’s experience fully and are willing to engage, connection is re-established, their partner feels it and the healing starts.

Issues of Trust

A betrayal/Affair means giving up fantasies and illusions about love and relationships and that might involve grieving the loss of blind trust.

When you have been betrayed by your partner it doesn’t make sense to blindly trust them again. You need to move from automatic blind trust to building informed trust. Informed trust is not just there, it something you build and work at together over time.

Blind trust is the belief that love means your partner is always one with you and would never hurt you. Blind trust confuses trust with love and ignores the complexities of relationships and outside factors. Informed trust is a trust that his built by sharing one’s emotional self, by accepting the reality of who the other person is , by honest communication and working together to resolve differences and through having fun together.

An Affair is a Relationship Issue

An affair or betrayal is an attempt at problem solving something that has not been able to be worked though in the relationship. It’s true that the betrayer needs to take responsibility for what they have done . The 2nd step is for both partners to look at what could not be spoken about in the relationship that lead to the affair.

How Couples Counselling helps.

Couples counselling provides a framework to manage the crisis.
It helps by:

• Giving space to make sense of what has happened
• Slowing down interactions so feelings of anger/hurt can be expressed
• Understanding what was happening in the relationship
• Detoxifying arguments and understanding patterns
• Addressing concerns about trust and what to do
• Re-building connection and trust

Conclusion

If you have experienced a  break of trust it’s worth going together with your partner to couples counselling. Give yourself time to work things through rather than feeling you must split up or move out. It can feel such a relief to speak about what happened to a couples counsellor and give time to process what has happened with the right support.