- What Makes Love Last?
- Cheating - Why do Men and Women Cheat?
- Relationship Counselling - Why it's a good idea
- Relationship Counselling - How To Communicate Better
- Change In Relationship Counselling
- All About Love
- Couple Intimacy Exercise
- Relationship Counselling - "Be here Now"
- Stuck Relationship Patterns
- Affairs and Betrayal
St Pancras Relationship Counselling London
St Pancras Relationship Counselling
London - Kings Cross NW1 1UA Tel 07789 433 234 / 0207 3882970
COSRT General Member
MA Psychosynthesis Psych
Post Grad Dip Creative Couple Work
City University Trained Therapist
Post Grad Dip Creative Couple Work
Msc Marriage and Family Therapy
Post Grad Dip Creative Couple Work
MA Psychosynthesis Psych
Post Grad Dip Creative Couple Work
There may be a particular issue you wish to sort out in your relationship or you may just want to communicate better and fight less. Relationship counselling builds on what first attracted you to each other and what can be done to reduce hurt and conflict. You may be in a pattern where one you, “wants more and the other withdraws”.
Most couples come for relationship counselling because they want to be able to talk about things without arguing or sulking. They want to know what they can do to become closer and have more fun.
Try a session. It can be a huge relief
Relationship Counselling Fees:
Individuals £65 for 60 minutes
Couples £90 for 1 hour
Couples £110 for 75 minutes - best option ( £88p/h)
Couples £135 for 90 minutes
(Our fees our mid-range of typical London rates)
Evening / weekday / weekend appointments available at short notice
Call 07789433234 / 0207 3882970 to book or find out more.
What is Relationship Counselling / Couples Counselling?
Relationship Counselling is the process of coming usually weekly or every two weeks together as a couple to a trained relationship counsellor. The role of the counsellor is to help you explore more deeply what is going on in your relationship and work with you step by step to resolve arguments, decide what you both want, and help you communicate better. A key element is looking at the communication patterns that keep you stuck in arguments and what you can do differently.
Weekly or Fortnightly Relationship Counselling Sessions
The usual format is to attend weekly or every other week
Intensive Relationship Counselling Sessions
- Work Intensively on your relationship
- Attend a block of sessions in the same week
We find that working intensively in a committed way can be an effective way of focusing on issues and getting to a resolution.
It’s common that very soon after getting married that issues come to the surface. Marriage counselling provides the structure, support and advice to help you understand how you can strengthen your emotional bond and work things through. Coming for marriage counselling doesn’t mean your relationship issues are any worse than for other couples; It means that rather than suffering and making do, you are motivated to improve your relationship.
You can make part of making a commitment to each other, discovering how to express your feelings and needs openly with your partner, in a way that you both get heard. A good marriage is based on a willingness to speak up when there is an issue, to be honest and real. In order to do this it helps to develop the skills to express and negotiate your needs. Premarital counselling shows you how to bring more of who are into the relationship and how to be emotionally available to each other
Loss of Desire,Sexless Marriage
It's common in long term relationships to reach a gridlock where you have stopped having sex together and played down it's importance. A lot can be done relationship counselling to learn how to re-engage in a loving passionate intimate way without the pressure 'to get it right' for each other. Paradoxically it is the very fact that you are important to each other that has created the emotional gridlock that makes sex hard to work out between yourselves.
Infidelity, Affairs, Cheating, Break of Trust and Betrayal
If you have recently found out about your partner’s affair, you are likely to still be in shock and feel hurt. You may keep going over the details, trying to understand what happened. You may feel right now that you will never be able to trust your partner again. If you have broken your partner’s trust, you may be feeling awful about it, ashamed, maybe fearful of losing your partner and not sure how to answer their questions. These reactions are typical. Yes, affairs and cheating can be worked through if you are willing to take the time to understand what is going on underneath in your relationship. Breaks of trust indicate that something needs to be paid attention to. It's wise to get support and take some time before making any big decisions.
Relationship Counselling helps you understand what is going on in your relationship and to discover better ways of communicating your feelings and needs. Relationship advice comes in the form of practical suggestions that guide you to communicate or understand yourself and your partner in a different way. These suggestions allow you to re-evaluate, explore and experiment, so you can find out what works for you as a couple.
Relationship Counselling London Practice
Tel 07789 433 234 / 02073882970
6a Goldington Crescent, London. NW1 1UA
Near to Mornington Crescent and KingsCross tube stations, The City,
Angel, Islington,N1, Camden Town,NW1, Kentish Town,NW5,
Hampstead Heath and Belsize Park, NW3
We are Qualified Relationship Counsellors
Richard Cole, Scilla Alvarado Gary Schuller and Maggie Hacker are specialist relationship counsellors that work at St Pancras Relationship Counselling
Relationship Counselling Training
We trained at the The Centre for Gender Psychology ,a specialist relationship counselling training centre and have post graduate diplomas in relationship counselling.
Typical Relationship Counselling Issues We Work With
Preparing for Marriage
Premarital Counselling - Discover how to re-focus on each other rather than while making wedding plans. Preparing for marriage is often a stressful time. Premarital Counselling can deepen your connection and help you to better understand each other's needs. Make a commitment to each other on firm ground.
Abusive relationships, Feeling controlled, undermined
Get support to recognise abusive patterns and find out what you can do about it
Anger issues, Arguing too much
Discover how to manage your anger and express what you need constructively.
Men resentful and overwhelmed by partners needs
See Rape of The Heart Article
Women feeling misunderstood and not listened to
Discover how to express what you need and hear what your partner needs without guilt
Masculine / Feminine imbalance
Feeling undermined or ignored or misunderstood? By understanding
negative patterns you can move towards communicating in a way that
honours your differences.
Understanding cultural differences
Take the time to see how your family tribe affect your expectations in your relationship
Untangle the role you play and family expectations
Break of Trust,Affairs - Making sense of affairs and dealing with the hurt
See article on Affairs, Betrayal and Breaks of Trust
See infidelity article: Surviving an affair in your relationship
Women Living in Limbo
Make sense of being caught between security of a partner and excitement of a lover
Couples Living in UK from Abroad
Being in UK without family support or friend network puts extra pressure on a couple
How to communicate better, say what you need
Major events impacting your relationship
Support each other as you learn how to adjust to new events
Sexless Marriage - Falling out of Love"I love you, but I’m not in love with you" issues
Are you more roommates that lovers? Relationship counselling helps you make sense of your relationship and if you choose to revitalise what's important to you
Jealousy and possessiveness
Discover how to feel significant to each other and understand jealousy and possessiveness
Children leaving home, how do we get on with each other?
Find out how you can reconnect to each other.
Long distance relationships
Being away from each other ,'Love at a distance' can create problems when you meet up. Arguments and fears arise over relocating.
Learn How To Communicate Better
Creating connection is a skill. See article how to communicate better .
New parents – exhaustion, lack of nourishment, feeling disconnected
Being new parents puts strain on a relationship. Relationship Counselling gives you support, space and a structure to nourish your relationship
One partner distancing, the other pursuing
This is a common relationship pattern. Take time to explore it, to you get better at meeting both your needs
Overworking, imbalance of responsibilities, stress and anxiety
Often the gap between what we hoped for from our relationship and how it is, is filled with work to avoid feeling
Relationship expectations, wanting more romance/ passion/ sexual desire
Understand the patterns in your relationship and how to connect and communicate more of what you want.
Sexual issues, feeling rejected, dealing with different desires
Relationship counselling is safe place to talk about what is important to you with falling into arguments
Addictions, pornography, internet use
Pornography is becoming an increasing problem in relationships causing disconnection
Step Families – problems getting on with children and step children. Conflict of Loyalties
In Step families whatever you do someone doesn't like it. See Step Families Article
Stress, anxiety, Job affecting Relationship:
NHS, Doctors, Police
The stress of working in NHS or Police force can cause distancing in relationships
Boarding school survivor syndrome
See Article on Boarding School
Secrets often hide guilt and shame. Lighten the load by talking things through
Relationship Counselling Provides A Structure to Work Things Through
Relationship counselling provides a structure for you to nourish and
build on what works in your relationship and have a safe place to work
Like many couples you might find yourselves getting stuck repeating
the same arguments and patterns or it may be you want to have more
intimacy or you wish to work through a break of trust.
It's common these days to get tired, stressed, worn down through
work commitments or looking after children which leaves little time to
focus on your relationship and each other. Sometimes busy-ness fills
the gap to avoid looking at what is going on.
If you are in conflict it can be reassuring to know that periods of
conflict are normal and can be worked through. It's how you deal with the conflict that counts.
The 5 Relationship Stages
The Pyramid Diagram provides a structure to show how relationships change over time. Understanding the different stages helps you understand your relationship better. It can also be reassuring to see that what you are experiencing is part of the normal development of a relationship and fits within a stage.
I'll describe each of the five stages:
- Attraction - Little effort is required to feeling loving and loved
- Maintenance - Getting to know each other through day to day living
- Polarisation - Conflicts and arguments arise that create distance
- Healing - Conflicts are worked through
- Intimacy - Trust and good communication bring security and closeness
Attraction - Feeling Loving and Loved
In the Attraction Stage we usually see the best of each other. We are attracted to our partner’s qualities that compliment us or that we would like more of in ourselves. Attraction as well as being physical, is based on common values, similar status, shared ambitions and interests. It also has an unconscious element. Our unconscious attracts us to someone who is“familiar” in some way. We are attracted to someone who fits our unconscious relationship bonding pattern. It's inevitable at some level we are choosing our partner to love us in the way we wished we were loved. Relationship is a people growing process where we grow from longing for unconditional young love to mature adult conditional love .
Some couples come for relationship counselling early on in their relationship as they have been hurt before and need some support, or reassurance, or would like to work through some differences to allow trust to build. Understanding the messages you received early in your life about relationship and trust can help you tounderstand the feelings you are experiencing now rather than be controlled by them.
Maintenance - Day to Day Living
We get to know each other through the routines of life. A loving emotional bond builds through getting to know the real person and through being known ourselves.The feelings of desire and passion tend to fade unless a couple actively keep their relationship fresh and alive. It's normal to face some disappointment when our partner doesn't live up to the image we had of them. In this stage we might not yet feelsafe enough to be fully ourselves and say what we feel, so we find ways of avoiding major conflict or feeling vulnerable. Anger or withdrawal can be away of protecting the relationship from underlying feelings.
We may avoid the big issues out of the fear of losing the love we want. We are comfortably close, yet avoid becoming closer, even though part of us would like to be. It's common for couples to be in a distance/pursuer pattern. One distances while the other pursues. For some of us our relationship looks fine on the outside, yet on the insidewe don't feel relaxed and free to be ourselves. Suppressing what we feel leads to a lack of energy and sexual desire. Maybe there is, that
,'something missing feeling?' or "I don't feel I am being myself ?" feeling. It could be are the "good partner" at the cost of our own needs because we learnt that you need to be 'good' to loved. Maybe we would like more passion and grit, but we are not sure how to bring it into therelationship. So often the answer seems to be that," it's our partner that needs to change"; or the answer seems to be outside the relationship.
Relationship counselling can help you communicate better and feel safe about exploring what's important to you. We focus on how you as couple create a shared pattern.It's a relief to be both looking at a shared pattern rather than looking for who is to blame.The best attitude is; "We are in this together" and can work it out with some support.
Relationship counselling isn't just about looking at problems. It's also about building skills on how to appreciate each other and find ways to nourish your relationship.
Polarisation - Conflicts and Arguments Create Distance
A degree of conflict is part of a healthy relationship. It's how we communicate and work through our differences that counts. The Polarisation stage is about speaking up for what is important while also being able to stay in relationship and be open to the opposite points of view from our partner. This can feel impossible when we feelraw and triggered into strong emotion by each other. Arguments become unmanageable; issues can't be talked over, and resentment builds. We maybe caught up in hurt feelings and begin to distrust each other. There might be a sense of failure and a longing for things to go back as they were at the beginning of the relationship. It's common to wonder ,'how come other couples we know seem to mange and we are going through this?
The truth is Polarisation is inevitable in a healthy relationshp . It is triggered by events such as:-
- Making a commitment
- Moving in together
- Soon after getting married
- Just before or soon after having children
- A break of trust
Typically polarisation starts a few years into a marriage or committed relationship where it feels safe to move beyond the
maintenance stage. Sometimes a partner attempts to deal with a feeling of disconnection through using pornography, drinking, or having an affair or doing something else that leads to a break of trust. Polarisation is a normal development stage in a relationship. It's important to go through it to allow your relationship to deepen and for you to be true to who you are.
Our parents/caregivers gave us a model template on how to be in relationship. It's where we learnt how to be loved and how to protect ourselves from being hurt. These unconscious bonding patterns remain active and are triggered in response to our partner.
Often we protect ourselves by unconsciously trying to control our partner by becoming parental. In response they defend the activated vulnerable child feelings by starting an argument. It might come as a surprise to discover that you and your partner unconsciously co-create the issues. It takes two. It’s bizarre, yet it's just how our unconscious works! Have you noticed how you can be more upset with your partner than with anyone else? Some couples are fortunate in that they can "live with" their bonding patterns in relative harmony without needing to look at them. For many of us, spending some time
understanding our bonding patterns can free us up from reacting in the same ways and having the same arguments over and over.
Relationship counselling offers a place to explore .We look at how you trigger each other and how to make sense of it,so you can step back,see what is going on, and respond rather than react. You discover that issues can be spoken about and worked through .
Healing - Conflicts are Worked Through
Healing is a process that happens over time as we learn to include both our strength and vulnerability. We appreciate the limits of what our partner can give us , and how to love and nourish ourselves at the times our partner can’t. We take responsibility for the relationship patterns that are no longer serving us. We learn to risk trusting again.Relationship counselling gives you the opportunity/ skills/ framework to stop blaming each other and work together on the shared bonding
pattern. You can, stay together end "the relationship (pattern) as it is” rather than thinking the solution is to find new partners ! You can learn together step-by-step, how to love again from a place of authentic
intimacy, and choice.
Intimacy - Building A Strong Emotional Bond
We all want to love and be loved. In order for 'a meeting of hearts' to take place, barriers must be dropped. Intimacy is a challenge as it requires us to step into the unknown, risk rejection and open our hearts. So often, in moments of intimacy we connect to our past longing and dependency. Relationship counselling helps you to take steps towards emotionally connecting to each other and re-build your emotional bond
step by step.
Relationship Stages Summary
Relationships are a great challenge for most people. Some couples never dare to discuss how they really feel inside (they stay in the Maintenance Stage); Others put up with conflict and hostility (they stay in the Polarisation Stage) or believe the solution is to leave their relationship (the denial of one's own pattern to avoid working through
the Polarisation stage.)
Paradoxically, it's just at the point when everything feels stuck andhopeless, and in crisis, that there is the motivation to face up to what is not working. A Relationship counselling session weekly or once every other week is powerful transformational process if you are stuck in conflicts and arguments that leave you emotionally disconnected from your partner. My experience is that most couples find getting help a relief, and those who are willing to take an honest look at what is
going on,worthwhile. (Acknowledgement to The Centre for Gender Psychology for this Pyramid Model.)
Relationship Counselling Reduces Arguing
We initially learn a template about how to be in relationship from our early relationship with our parents and the messages they gave us about arguing. Relationship Counselling can help you feel more comfortable and safer being able to work through differences constructively so you are both able to understand each others viewpoint.
On a lighter note this humorous video shows how we learnt to argue from our parents!