Relationship Counselling Training

We trained at the The Centre for Gender Psychology ,a specialist relationship counselling training centre and have post graduate diplomas in relationship counselling.

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Typical Relationship Counselling Issues We Work With

Preparing for Marriage

Premarital Counselling - Discover how to re-focus on each other rather than while making wedding plans. Preparing for marriage is often a stressful time. Premarital Counselling can deepen your connection and help you to better understand each other's needs. Make a commitment to each other on firm ground.

Abusive relationships, Feeling controlled, undermined

Get support to recognise abusive patterns and find out what you can do about it

Anger issues, Arguing too much

Discover how to manage your anger and express what you need constructively.

Men resentful and overwhelmed by partners needs

See Rape of The Heart Article

Women feeling misunderstood and not listened to

Discover how to express what you need and hear what your partner needs without guilt

Masculine / Feminine imbalance

Feeling undermined or ignored or misunderstood? By understanding
negative patterns you can move towards communicating in a way that
honours your differences.

Understanding cultural differences

Take the time to see how your family tribe affect your expectations in your relationship

Family Expectations

Untangle the role you play and family expectations

Break of Trust,Affairs - Making sense of affairs and dealing with the hurt

See article on Affairs, Betrayal and Breaks of Trust

Infidelity

See infidelity article: Surviving an affair in your relationship

Women Living in Limbo

Make sense of being caught between security of a partner and excitement of a lover

Couples Living in UK from Abroad

Being in UK without family support or friend network puts extra pressure on a couple

How to communicate better, say what you need

see: How to communicate better

Major events impacting your relationship

Support each other as you learn how to adjust to new events

Sexless Marriage - Falling out of Love"I love you, but I’m not in love with you" issues

Are you more roommates that lovers? Relationship counselling helps you make sense of your relationship and if you choose to revitalise what's important to you

Jealousy and possessiveness

Discover how to feel significant to each other and understand jealousy and possessiveness

Children leaving home, how do we get on with each other?

Find out how you can reconnect to each other.

Long distance relationships

Being away from each other ,'Love at a distance' can create problems when you meet up. Arguments and fears arise over relocating.

Learn How To Communicate Better

Creating connection is a skill. See article how to communicate better .

New parents – exhaustion, lack of nourishment, feeling disconnected

Being new parents puts strain on a relationship. Relationship Counselling gives you support, space and a structure to nourish your relationship

One partner distancing, the other pursuing

This is a common relationship pattern. Take time to explore it, to you get better at meeting both your needs

Overworking, imbalance of responsibilities, stress and anxiety

Often the gap between what we hoped for from our relationship and how it is, is  filled with work to avoid feeling

Relationship expectations, wanting more romance/ passion/ sexual desire

Understand the patterns in your relationship and how to connect and communicate more of what you want.

Sexual issues, feeling rejected, dealing with different desires

Relationship counselling is safe place to talk about what is important to you with falling into arguments

Addictions, pornography, internet use

Pornography is becoming an increasing problem in relationships causing  disconnection

Step Families – problems getting on with children and step children. Conflict of Loyalties

In Step families whatever you do someone doesn't like it. See Step Families Article

Stress, anxiety, Job affecting Relationship:

NHS, Doctors, Police

The stress of working in NHS or Police force can cause distancing in relationships

Boarding school survivor syndrome

See Article on Boarding School

Secrets

Secrets often hide guilt and shame. Lighten the load by talking things through

Relationship Counselling Provides A Structure to Work Things Through

Relationship counselling provides a structure for you to nourish and
build on what works in your relationship and have a safe place to work
through issues.

Like many couples you might find yourselves getting stuck repeating
the same arguments and patterns or it may be you want to have more
intimacy or you wish to work through a break of trust.

It's common these days to get tired, stressed, worn down through
work commitments or looking after children which leaves little time to
focus on your relationship and each other.  Sometimes busy-ness fills
the gap to avoid looking at what is going on.

If you are in conflict it can be reassuring  to know that periods of 
conflict are normal and can be worked through. It's how you deal with the conflict that counts.

The 5 Relationship Stages

The Pyramid Diagram provides a structure to show how relationships change over time. Understanding the  different stages helps you understand your relationship better. It can also be reassuring to see that what you are experiencing is part of the normal development of a relationship and fits within a stage.

I'll describe each of the five stages:

1. Attraction - Little effort is required to feeling loving and loved
2. Maintenance - Getting to know each other through day to day living
3. Polarisation - Conflicts and arguments arise that create distance
4. Healing - Conflicts are worked through
5. Intimacy - Trust and good communication bring security and closeness

Attraction - Feeling Loving and Loved

In the Attraction Stage we usually see the best of each other. We are attracted to our partner’s qualities that compliment us or that we would like more of in ourselves. Attraction as well as being physical, is based on common values, similar status, shared ambitions and interests. It also has an unconscious element. Our unconscious attracts us to someone who is“familiar” in some way. We are attracted to someone who fits our unconscious relationship bonding pattern. It's inevitable at some level we are choosing our partner to love us in the way we wished we were loved. Relationship is a people growing process where we grow from longing for unconditional young love to mature adult conditional love .

Some couples come for relationship counselling early on in their relationship as they have been hurt before and need some support, or reassurance, or would like to work through some differences to allow trust to build. Understanding the messages you received early in your life about relationship and trust can help you tounderstand the feelings you are experiencing now rather than be controlled by them.

Maintenance - Day to Day Living

We get to know each other through the routines of life. A loving emotional bond builds through getting to know the real person and through being known ourselves.The feelings of desire and passion tend to fade unless a couple actively keep their relationship fresh and alive. It's normal to face some disappointment when our partner doesn't live up to the image we had of them. In this stage we might not yet feelsafe enough to be fully ourselves and say what we feel, so we find ways of avoiding major conflict or feeling vulnerable. Anger or withdrawal can be away of protecting the relationship from underlying feelings.

We may avoid the big issues out of the fear of losing the love we want. We are comfortably close, yet avoid becoming closer, even though part of us would like to be. It's common for couples to be in a distance/pursuer pattern. One distances while the other pursues. For some of us our relationship looks fine on the outside, yet on the insidewe don't feel relaxed and free to be ourselves. Suppressing what we feel leads to a lack of energy and sexual desire. Maybe there is, that
,'something missing feeling?' or "I don't feel I am being myself ?" feeling. It could be are the "good partner" at the cost of our own needs because we learnt that you need to be 'good' to loved. Maybe we would like more passion and grit, but we are not sure how to bring it into therelationship. So often the answer seems to be that," it's our partner that needs to change"; or the answer seems to be outside the relationship.

Relationship counselling can help you communicate better and feel safe about exploring  what's important to you. We focus on how you as couple create a shared pattern.It's a relief to be both looking at a shared pattern rather than looking for who is to blame.The best attitude is; "We are in this together" and can work it out with some support.

Relationship counselling isn't just about looking at problems. It's also about building skills on how to appreciate each other and find ways to nourish your relationship.

Polarisation - Conflicts and Arguments Create Distance

A degree of conflict is part of a healthy relationship. It's how we communicate and work through our differences that counts. The Polarisation stage is about  speaking up for what is important while also being able to stay in relationship and be open to the opposite points of view from our partner. This can feel impossible when we feelraw and triggered into strong emotion by each other. Arguments become unmanageable; issues can't be talked over, and resentment builds. We maybe caught up in hurt feelings and begin to distrust each other. There might be a sense of failure and a longing for things to go back as they were at the beginning of the relationship. It's common to wonder ,'how come other couples we know seem to mange and we are going through this?
The truth is Polarisation is inevitable in a healthy relationshp . It is triggered by events such as:-

• Making a commitment
• Moving in together
• Soon after getting married
• Just before or soon after having children
• A break of trust

Typically polarisation starts a few years into a marriage or committed relationship where it feels safe to move beyond the
maintenance stage. Sometimes a partner attempts to deal with a feeling of disconnection through using pornography, drinking, or having an affair or doing something else that leads to a break of trust. Polarisation is a normal development stage in a relationship. It's important to go through it to allow your relationship to deepen and for you to be true to who you are.

Our parents/caregivers gave us a model template on how to be in relationship. It's where we learnt how to be loved and how to protect ourselves from being hurt. These unconscious bonding patterns remain active and are triggered in response to our partner.

Often we protect ourselves by unconsciously trying to control our partner by becoming parental. In response they defend the activated vulnerable child feelings  by starting an argument.  It might come as a surprise to discover that you and your partner unconsciously co-create the issues. It takes two. It’s bizarre, yet it's just how our unconscious works! Have you noticed how you can be more upset with your partner than with anyone else? Some couples are fortunate in that they can "live with" their bonding patterns in relative harmony without needing to look at them. For many of us, spending some time
understanding our bonding patterns can free us up from reacting in the same ways and having the same arguments over and over.

Relationship counselling offers a place to explore .We look at how you trigger each other and how to make sense of it,so you can step back,see what is going on, and respond rather than react. You discover that issues can be spoken about and worked through .

Healing - Conflicts are Worked Through

Healing is a process that happens over time as we learn to include both our strength and vulnerability. We appreciate the limits of what our partner can give us , and how to love and nourish ourselves at the times our partner can’t. We take responsibility for the relationship patterns that are no longer serving us. We learn to risk trusting again.Relationship counselling gives you the opportunity/ skills/ framework to stop blaming each other and work together on the shared bonding
pattern. You can, stay together end "the relationship (pattern) as it is” rather than thinking the solution is to find new partners ! You can learn together step-by-step, how to love again from a place of authentic
intimacy, and choice.

Intimacy - Building A Strong Emotional Bond

We all want to love and be loved. In order for 'a meeting of hearts' to take place, barriers must be dropped. Intimacy is a challenge as it requires us to step into the unknown, risk rejection and open our hearts. So often, in moments of intimacy we connect to our past longing and dependency. Relationship counselling helps you to take steps towards emotionally connecting to each other and re-build your emotional bond
step by step.

Relationship Stages Summary

Relationships are a great challenge for most people. Some couples never dare to discuss how they really feel inside (they stay in the Maintenance Stage); Others put up with conflict and hostility (they stay in the Polarisation Stage) or believe the solution is to leave their relationship (the denial of one's own pattern to avoid working through
the Polarisation stage.)

Paradoxically, it's just at the point when everything feels stuck andhopeless, and in crisis, that there is the motivation to face up to what is not working. A Relationship counselling session weekly or once every other week is powerful transformational process if you are stuck in conflicts and arguments that leave you emotionally disconnected from your partner. My experience is that most couples find getting help a relief, and those who are willing to take an honest look at what is
going on,worthwhile.  (Acknowledgement to  The Centre for Gender Psychology for this Pyramid Model.)

Relationship Counselling Reduces Arguing

We initially learn a template about how to be in relationship from our early relationship with our parents and the messages they gave us about arguing. Relationship Counselling can help you feel more comfortable and safer being able to work through differences constructively so you are both able to understand each others viewpoint.

On a lighter note this humorous video shows how we learnt to argue from our parents!